How to Develop Effective Communication Skills
In the words of C. S. Lewis, “pain is inherent in the very existence of a world where souls can possibly meet.” If pain is inherent, we can easily assume that conflict and differences are also inevitable. Whenever two or more people commit to developing a relationship or to nurturing its growth—whether friendship or familial—conflict will arise.
God has designed each of us as unique beings with different strengths, abilities, gifts, and shortcomings. Moreover, we each also have differing frames of reference based upon our unique core values, which were developed in our particular families, friendship circles, educational backgrounds, etc. Even beyond this, we each have unique perceptions that may easily be misinterpreted or misunderstood. Because of our diversity, great care needs to be taken to communicate clearly, or misunderstandings can lead to anger and resentment; where the devil can gain a foothold (Ephesians 4:27).
As we look at the Church, we know that we not only need to get along with each other, but we are commanded to love each other too. We also know that together we comprise the Body of Christ (Ephesians 1:22, 23) and are subject to Him and His authority (Romans 7:4). Each member of the Body is different and serves as God has designed him or her to serve; not with division (1 Corinthians 12:18, 25), but in love (1 Corinthians 12:31 – 13:13). So then, if we, as the Body of Christ, or as a familial system, are to love one another without division, we will need to confront certain differences in a caring manner (Proverbs 15:28) so that dissension can be resolved in a healthy manner, or moreover, is avoided all together.
Ten Rules of Caring Confrontation
1. Learn to separate major issues from minor issues. Conflict can easily get out of control when we major in the minors. If an issue is not worth confronting, prayerfully submit it to God’s control. Also, make sure that you do not keep the issue alive by discussing it with other people. We also focus on the minors at times to avoid focusing on the major issues. For such conflicts to be resolved, someone must have the insight, courage, and wisdom to recognize the unnamed issue and name it out loud. This is especially true when doctrinal issues are misinterpreted or in cases of unbiblical practices within the Church (Galatians 2: 11-15, 1 Timothy 5:20).
2. When conflicts arise, confront them as soon as possible. Once a problem clearly exists and it is perceived as in need of confrontation, deal with it openly, forthrightly, and directly (Galatians 2:11). The longer one waits, the more intractable the problem becomes. Time tends to magnify resolvable grievances into unresolvable grudges. The emotions behind the conflict gradually build up pressure until the issue comes out explosively rather than constructively.
3. Stick to the subject at hand. In times of conflict, people often want their case to be as big and convincing as possible. It is too easy to gather all of the ammunition one can think of—dredging up past issues, side issues, character issues—to hammer their point home. Conflict cannot be constructively resolved by incorporating issues that will create a defensive atmosphere.
4. In times of conflict, avoid generalizing; be specific. This point has been applied to previous studies as well. Avoiding words such as “always” and “never” can prevent the other person from taking a defensive stance and counterattacking with a destructive response. Generalizations tend to be perceived as a personal and injurious statement about ones character rather than about his or her performance. If you can make a specific statement about a specific issue, people are able to be much more objective. Furthermore, when you generalize, people have a difficult time understanding what it is that you want them to change in their behavior. But if you are specific, you give them something concrete to deal with—whether they agree with you or not.
5. Avoid personal insults and character assassination. Keep the conflict focused on issues, not personalities. Again, avoid behavior or comments that put the other person on the defensive. Demonstrate that your true allegiance is to the relationship, not to the issue at hand. No matter how intense the conflict is, the other person should always feel confident that he or she is valued by you.
6. Express real feelings; avoid intellectualizing. The retreating into philosophical exchanging of ideas only masks the true feelings that are so important to resolving conflict, and actually serves as a defense mechanism to avoid the true conflict. Expressing genuine feelings does mean taking a risk. We make ourselves vulnerable by exposing our true self and by being transparent to someone who could hurt us and may not respect our feelings. Ideally, the other person will see your sincerity and be more receptive to the confrontation.
7. Demonstrate unconditional love and affirmation without being patronizing. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 sums up this point best as it focuses on the proper attitude and standard that we should all apply in the midst of any conflict or confrontation: patience, kindness, rejoicing with the truth, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things; not jealous, not bragging, not arrogant, not unbecoming, not seeking its own, not provoked, not taking into account a wrong suffered, not rejoicing in unrighteousness.
8. Demonstrate empathy and reflective listening. This is a natural extension of steps 6 & 7. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes—how would you feel if you were in the same place? Also, listen to what the other person is really saying, what feelings is he or she expressing? Do not unload a preset speech, which will make the other person defensive. Instead, seek to learn and to be responsive to the other person’s issues and emotions. When the other person speaks, really listen, do not prepare yourself mentally for the next point that you want to make. Your active listening will foster receptivity and prevent the wall of defense from being built. An effective tool to ensure reflective listening is mirroring—mirroring back what the other person says to you by restating his or her feelings in your own words. This allows the other person to feel he or she has been heard, and it allows you to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and issues.
9. Affirm publicly, confront privately. Rebuking and confronting people in public brings humiliation, embarrassment, and shame. It destroys both self-esteem and relationships. It is also contrary to 1 Corinthians 13 as previously mentioned.
10. Confront to heal, not to win. Seek growth, not victory. Seek a stronger relationship, greater understanding (Proverbs 15:31-33), and a healing resolution. Seek to learn, change, and grow from the conflict as much or more as you want the other person to learn, change, and grow.
In any conflict, the only winners are those who learn how to manage the situation so that it brings about a positive, constructive resolution. When we approach conflict with courage, honesty, and love for the other person, conflict is no longer the enemy of our relationships—it is our ally.
The preceding rules are based in part on material from Minirth-Meyer’s “Complete Life Encyclopedia.”